I'M SELFISH, IMPATIENT, AND A LITTLE INSECURE. I MAKE MISTAKES, I AM OUT OF CONTROL & AT TIMES I'M CRAZY - HARD TO HANDLE. BUT IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE ME AT MY WORST - THEN YOU ABSOLUTLEY DON'T DESERVE ME AT MY BEST....

I still miss him, and I really wanted to die those first few weeks
But im starting to realize time doesn't stop over just one person
to let them cry, mourn and be hopeless
storms come
but the sun comes out eventualy
LIFE itself
continues on....
and eventaully we'll take a step out of sorrow and become part of that continuance again.

People die and babies are born, life cycles- its a wheel. Sometimes you land on the bottom but eventually you'll be at the top again, you can't stop it - its neverending - even when your gone, even when it doesn't seem like it will - life continues on.

There are so many bad things that happen to us in our lifes, and though some may disagree - I think we DO have a right to take time away. To mourn and cry, to let our emotions out. I agree that self-pity is never good, but its also good to let your emotions show a little. There are terrible things in this world - war, poverty, starvation... just to name a few. There are murderes that walk the street. People who prey on helpless childeren. But when something happens to us - why is it that it hits us harder? We can watch the news and hear about a little girl kidnapped, raped and dumped somewhere and yes we feel bad, maybe send some support to the family via e-mail or a card or just in our minds and maybe prayers. But if someone we knew had the same thing happen or even ourselfs - it hits us like a speeding train. It stays in our hearts and minds forever, it doesn't fade away after a few days or take a lesser space in our mind than whats on TV tonight.
We hear people say and do awful things and think why? How could they? But we don't put ourslefs in their posistion to even try and figure it out - we just judge them, riducule them and walk away. It isn't until we place ourselfs in others shoes that we began to understand, to truly LIVE and to truly learn.
I've had bad expierences - we all have and when they happen, we cry over it, we scream and yell and shout and hit and act-out. In other words, we react in some way that shows how upset or angry we are at the time.
In my life - I lost a friend to a rope fashined into a noose, an unsteady chair, and the sorrow buried deep into his heart that he hid from everyone.
I cried, our school let people be excused, we still have him in our minds and hearts, write memorials and things about him and I'm glad he is rememberd. But I, like many who will read this and many who were there, after having it happend questioned and wondered and just COULD NOT understand why anyone would do such a thing.
But then, earlier this year I was dealing with depression deeply myself and the few people I trusted didn't seem to care. I had no reason really to be - I had a great family, good grades, Food on the table - everything I needed to survive and a few extras. But I just couldn't get out of the rut, and my thoughts led me down the path until I felt beyond help - I couldn't get out of the mindset that the world was bleak, black and hopeless. People turned away from me, even those that knew something was wrong became scared to help, to intervine and didn't want to become a part of something "like that". Many simply didn't understand and were to afraid to try and understand. I sprialed down and came to the point that my young friend once had. But I lived. And as I finally began to talk about it afterwords with my parents, and began to cry out and get help finally I also began to understand, to learn what he had been through and why he had choosen to do it. NO it was NOT the right or correct answer to the problem but I began to understand that he didn't think there WAS another option - logic was not in play at that time and nothing could have made it. The only thought was How do i get away quickly? and the solution he came up with he stuck to, sadly.
Im ranting I know, most won't give a damn about my personal history so let me sum it up for you - Don't judge. You can't understand until you've been and walked in that persons shoes, not a SIMILAR expierence, but been there.
Horrible things happen. You hate them and at the time you think NOTHING will get better, ever. I still fight myself over things like that. But a wise person once said that things happen for a reason, I hated that I almost did what my friend did - but now, it may be weird to say, Im THANKFUL i was there - because now I know the signs and IM NOT afraid to help others and be there for them NO MATTER WHAT and I can understand without judging them when they just wanna talk.
Love is like heaven and it can hurt like hell. But if Pain comes along with Love then isn't it just another emotion thrown in? Don't Rainbows come with Rain?
This world is so faced pased, so judging and stereotypical. Your put into cliques, you think you HAVE to do stuff and HAVE to have things. 12 year olds are dating when in the 1950's (call me old fashioned) you didn't even "Go Steady" until about 16 or 17! We need to slow down, think, trust our instincts, reach out to one another, and enjoy the little things in life. Clouds come but they will pass. In a storm isn't everything awful and it seems as if the world is about to go to peices? But then suddenly a ray of sun will peak through and doesn't a storm always clear? Doesn't the sun eventually always come back out? We all follow the law of nature - Wheather, humans and life alike.

I love this quote because it really shows that life does continue on even when you think it won't.

"LIFE IS TOO SHORT to wake up in the morning with regrets and go to sleep with tears in your eyes. So, love the people who treat you right, forgive the ones who don't and believe that everything happens for a reason. Enjoy the little things in life and don't take for granted a single thing you have. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life (good or bad) let it, it makes you who you are."


So keep hope and when the world whispers to you "GIVE UP!" Let hope shine through and whisper right back "Just keep going - Try one more time."

Always remember: "NOBODY SAIT LIFE WOULD BE EASY, FUN, OR GRAND AT ALL TIMES - THEY JUST PROMISED IT WOULD BE WORTH IT IN THE END." and it will.